Confessions of an accidental stay at home mom.

I am now entrenched in the 3rd month of the unpaid yet utterly challenging and wonderful career path known as "being a stay at home parent". Moms who are really into being stay at home moms refer to themselves as "SAHM"s. But I'm hoping this post will reach an audience who is blissfully unaware of the underworld of parenting acronyms.

I did not choose to be a full-time "SAHM". Ideally, I would be working part time. That's what I was doing before my temporary job ended, and that's what I hope to do again. But I'm trying to appreciate this gift of time with my wonderful son who is growing up far too fast. Even if it means earning an overabundance of credit card points to pay for groceries and depleting our retirement fund to pay our mortgage.

Each day of my SAHM existence I try to practice gratitude for my healthy child and the unexpected gift of time with him. I mean look at the kid. He's ludicrously lovable! I also know women who deal with the heartbreak of infertility and sick children. So it pains me even more when I come to the occasional end of my SAHM rope and find myself thinking thoughts such as "I can't do this anymore!! This is not what I signed up for! And I clearly suck at this job because, for the love of all that is holy, my kid won't stop crying!" Welcome to Lana's brain. It can be a very volatile and unforgiving place.

This inability to be kind to myself, wherever it stems from, is the primary reason I struggle with being a full time mom. I will be the first to admit that the majority of time I don't know what the F*&% I'm doing. I was a fabulous preschool music teacher. But frankly, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what to do when my child is popping a tooth and proceeds to whine and act out ALL DAY LONG. I try to read the parenting books. But their brief and simplified anecdotes are about as relevant as Old Testament society's approach to menstruation (for more interesting and possibly fictional information on this "period" of history, refer to the wonderful novel The Red Tent). So I end up feeling demoralized each time Elliot cries. At times, my head becomes a battle of conflicting parenting theories that leave me feeling like a wishy-washy puddle of inconsistent goo.

Before I complain anymore, it is essential to say that I am incredibly lucky to have both an appreciative and helpful husband AND multiple sets of parental units in the area, all of whom provide extensive childcare breaks. These breaks allow me to maintain sanity by going for runs, doing errands, and writing cover letters and resumes (and whiny blog posts, apparently). I can't even imagine how women dealt with these struggles 50 years ago, when society inflicted even higher expectations and provided even fewer demonstrations of support.

But despite my amazing support network, I've still become a bit, erm, defensive of my current SAHM identity. Here is a list of factors that add to my defensiveness:

1) WE SAHMS don't get paid. We should. More evolved countries such as Holland and Austria (and the lesser known nation called "the Microsoft campus") pay mothers to take lengthy maternity leaves. That's the right idea.

2) We get more advice than probably ANY employee on the planet. And we can't tell ourselves "just kiss up to the boss and take his advice, it'll result in a big fat bonus!". There is no bonus. There is only annoyance and the desire to scream VERY VERY loud.

3) We don't live in community anymore. I'm not ready to move to a commune anytime soon. However, I'm fairly certain it's easier to be a "SAHM" when every single other woman in your tribe is doing it too. In imaginary tribe land, there is lots of gossiping and lots of kids for your child to play with for free, without a single lesson plan or registration fee. The best part of it all is that you don't have to email back and forth with the other moms 54 times to schedule a 30 minute playdate.

I could go on, and maybe I will in future whiny blog posts. But for now I'll leave it at this: Motherhood is miraculous. I am incredibly grateful for my child and the chance to be with him most of the day, each and every day. But when I DO return to the world of paid employees, I will never allow myself to look at a mom who stays at home with her children and think "huh, must be nice for you...". Instead I will look at her with immense respect and say, "hey superwoman, can I please have your autograph???".