how to alienate other mothers, and other thoughts about playground etiquette

Recently I've identified the biggest source of negative feedback about my stay at home mother (SAHM) role. Her name is LANA. I've complained a great deal about how society doesn't understand what we SAHMs do, and how we don't get any validation for the hard work we put into parenting simply because we don't bring home a paycheck. This is true. But my numerous working mom friends never make me feel bad when I whine about various SAHM challenges. Instead they nod in support and say "yeah, I'm relieved to go to work sometimes because it's far easier!". And when I DO hear a voice saying rude things like "you don't deserve a break, you didn't even go to work today!" it is usually coming from my own hampster-wheel of a brain.

So I've decided that for now, the only way to quell this counterproductive inner monologue of Dutch origin is to treat parenthood like the challenging career that it is. It's a career that provides an abundance of learning opportunities and a vast array of "co-workers". And I get to choose my own work environment. The office has been a bit lonely so far, so I'm trying to leave the cubicle by taking Elliot to music classes, indoor playgrounds, swimming pool visits, and playdates. I've always hated desk jobs anyway.

One challenge I'm encountering in my new position is a lack of social grace. I just don't know what to talk about at the water cooler. For example, every time I take Elliot to an indoor play area, there are usually a few moments where I find myself standing next to another mother as our children play (or more often, ignore each other and play side by side).

You can tell when the other mom wants to talk. Her eager yet timid energy indicates that she is ready and willing to add a new mom friend to her network. Especially one with a similar work schedule. So I quickly scan my brain for potential conversation starters, and the options that typically pop up include: "how is your sex life after having kids?", "do you sometimes feel like you're going insane too?" and "I feed my kid lots of unhealthy crap b/c I'm desperate to get him to eat something/anything. What about you?".

For obvious reasons I usually opt to remain silent. And when on occasion the other mom works up the nerve to talk to ME, she typically displays excellent social etiquette by asking me things like "how old is your son?" or "do you guys live nearby?". I usually answer with great enthusiasm, smiling vigorously in an attempt to say "yes let's be friends!". And then I remain silent. Awkwardly, painfully, mournfully silent. Thankfully by this point Elliot's .05 second attention span has prompted him forth to other toys and locations, and I follow him with a sense of great relief, telling myself that NEXT time I'll keep the conversation flowing by asking the other mom about her child's sleep patterns, developmental milestones, etc. And at least I have the grace and hard-earned empathy to never ask THESE horrific questions.

I'm not too disturbed by my lack of social grace, because it hasn't hindered my social life in other areas. I feel blessed with an abundance of girlfriends and if anything, I wish I had more time to give to them. It's just that most of them work during the day when Elliot and I are looking for dates. [side note to my mommy friends who I DO get the chance to hang out with during the day- YOU ARE GODDESSES AND I LOVE YOU]. So I will continue to visit the water cooler and work on my SAHM etiquette. OR perhaps I'll just become a shockingly blunt SAHM who tells it like it is. Surely there must be a market for those?