My decision to enter graduate school was based on sound logic. It came from years of searching, self-awareness, and an excessive number of therapy sessions. And it came from a realization that motherhood takes on a different form for each woman. It was the right decision, and the more time I spend in my current grad school program (which involves a full time course load AND a full dose of clinical rotations) the more I realize that my entire disjointed, sporadic professional AND personal life has led me to my current profession; speech pathology is an ideal mix of people, singing, data analysis, and adorable, hilarious children with special needs.
Despite these revelations, I sometimes feel that I am going nuts. And when I do feel nuts, here is what helps:
1) Reaffirming my goals and identity as a mother.
This means checking in with other working moms who have happy, well-adjusted children, and cleansing myself of unhealthy sources of mom-shame (i.e. trying to be the same mother my mother was to me, which is not realistic on many levels, or comparing myself to my girlfriends who love the SAHM career path).
2) Making the most of the time I DO have with my child.
Even if I get home from a tedious class that goes until 7 p.m. ( hypothetically speaking) and only get 2 hours with Elliot before bedtime, I do my best to make those hours count. That means putting away the fricking phone (I often fail at this) and engaging with him. Most of all it means cuddles, laughter, 5 or 6 nighttime stories, and an excessive number of kisses which he cannot escape, despite his futile 31-pounder attempts...mwahaahaaaa!
3) Lowering my standards for myself as a student.
I recently turned in the WORST paper I have ever written. I skipped the class that it was written for in order to complete it and slither by the teacher's mailbox sheepishly in order to turn it in on time. And I had a minor Type A breakdown right after turning it in...oh the shame of the typos and minimum number of required citations! But I spent the weekend caring for my sick child, and that is more important. I have managed not to slack to the point of flunking (yet) but I sure as hell don't put my all into my schoolwork anymore. I put in the least amount of time required to learn the material on a basic level and pass the class, and I put my maximum effort into my clinical training (which occupies roughly 25 hours a week these days). Something has to give.
4) Letting go of irrelevant and counterproductive mom anxiety.
Elliot still uses a binky, wears diapers, and sleeps in our room (in his own little bed). If I still spent my day around other full time moms, which typically results in comparing milestones like baseball statistics, I'd be completely freaked about these facts. I know this because I spent Elliot's first year freaking out about his 10th percentile weight and his feeding aversions. But thankfully I rarely have to engage in milestone stats talk these days, unless it comes to talking about communication milestones related to my clients who aren't speaking yet at the age of 5. So I've finally woken up and given both Elliot and myself a break. So he needs a binky to feel secure. Big EFFING deal! We'll pay for the braces! If he potty trains 5 months beyond the milestone chart- WHO CARES???? Let me tell you, there is nothing better than being around beautiful, adorable children with genuine developmental delays to alleviate obsessive, perfectionist parent tendencies.
5) Laughter.
When my heart starts pointing with anxiety and I want to scream very loudly or just punch a wall because I don't know how to do everything I have to do, I resort to hysterical giggling. We are all surrounded by comic relief, if we choose to see the hilarity or each situation. And as a mom, sometimes it comes down to choosing whether to laugh very hard or scream very loud. I try to choose laughing.
6) Giving myself a break.
I continually have to forgive myself for the less productive coping mechanisms I engage in which result in excessive calorie intake. Clearly the 5 pounds I've put on since I started this program is purely neuron weight. Because neurons are huge, and real heavy! See point #3 if you're wondering whether I am making an accurate statement. (note: as I compose this very profound post, I am also trying to determine which type of take-out to order this evening. Pizza? Indian food? Thai?).
7) Keep a ludicrously simple priority list.
Mentally, I can only handle two priorities: my boys (husband and child) and school. I'm not very available these days, as a friend or relative. But it's temporary, and it's worth it. The people who are close to me and support our family know this.
Despite these revelations, I sometimes feel that I am going nuts. And when I do feel nuts, here is what helps:
1) Reaffirming my goals and identity as a mother.
This means checking in with other working moms who have happy, well-adjusted children, and cleansing myself of unhealthy sources of mom-shame (i.e. trying to be the same mother my mother was to me, which is not realistic on many levels, or comparing myself to my girlfriends who love the SAHM career path).
2) Making the most of the time I DO have with my child.
Even if I get home from a tedious class that goes until 7 p.m. ( hypothetically speaking) and only get 2 hours with Elliot before bedtime, I do my best to make those hours count. That means putting away the fricking phone (I often fail at this) and engaging with him. Most of all it means cuddles, laughter, 5 or 6 nighttime stories, and an excessive number of kisses which he cannot escape, despite his futile 31-pounder attempts...mwahaahaaaa!
3) Lowering my standards for myself as a student.
I recently turned in the WORST paper I have ever written. I skipped the class that it was written for in order to complete it and slither by the teacher's mailbox sheepishly in order to turn it in on time. And I had a minor Type A breakdown right after turning it in...oh the shame of the typos and minimum number of required citations! But I spent the weekend caring for my sick child, and that is more important. I have managed not to slack to the point of flunking (yet) but I sure as hell don't put my all into my schoolwork anymore. I put in the least amount of time required to learn the material on a basic level and pass the class, and I put my maximum effort into my clinical training (which occupies roughly 25 hours a week these days). Something has to give.
4) Letting go of irrelevant and counterproductive mom anxiety.
Elliot still uses a binky, wears diapers, and sleeps in our room (in his own little bed). If I still spent my day around other full time moms, which typically results in comparing milestones like baseball statistics, I'd be completely freaked about these facts. I know this because I spent Elliot's first year freaking out about his 10th percentile weight and his feeding aversions. But thankfully I rarely have to engage in milestone stats talk these days, unless it comes to talking about communication milestones related to my clients who aren't speaking yet at the age of 5. So I've finally woken up and given both Elliot and myself a break. So he needs a binky to feel secure. Big EFFING deal! We'll pay for the braces! If he potty trains 5 months beyond the milestone chart- WHO CARES???? Let me tell you, there is nothing better than being around beautiful, adorable children with genuine developmental delays to alleviate obsessive, perfectionist parent tendencies.
5) Laughter.
When my heart starts pointing with anxiety and I want to scream very loudly or just punch a wall because I don't know how to do everything I have to do, I resort to hysterical giggling. We are all surrounded by comic relief, if we choose to see the hilarity or each situation. And as a mom, sometimes it comes down to choosing whether to laugh very hard or scream very loud. I try to choose laughing.
6) Giving myself a break.
I continually have to forgive myself for the less productive coping mechanisms I engage in which result in excessive calorie intake. Clearly the 5 pounds I've put on since I started this program is purely neuron weight. Because neurons are huge, and real heavy! See point #3 if you're wondering whether I am making an accurate statement. (note: as I compose this very profound post, I am also trying to determine which type of take-out to order this evening. Pizza? Indian food? Thai?).
7) Keep a ludicrously simple priority list.
Mentally, I can only handle two priorities: my boys (husband and child) and school. I'm not very available these days, as a friend or relative. But it's temporary, and it's worth it. The people who are close to me and support our family know this.
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