Size [n > 10] and LOVING it.

You know those weight loss articles in fitness magazines that show the women before and after their 30 lb. weight loss? They typically include all the stats about pant size, weight, etc., and let's just say my pant size and weight tend to dwell stubbornly on the pre-weight loss end of the those stats. And for the first time in my life, I can truly say that I'm fine with that.

I began dieting as a, hem hem, "pleasantly plump" 12 year old. 7th grade lunch period equaled calorie counting. I remember joylessly chewing on my "light" wheat bread and tuna sandwich while the other big-banged pre-teen girls stuffed greasy tator tots into their mouths with careless abandon. After school I would rush home , put on an awkward 80s leotard and aerobics video, and flounce around the living room in an earnest attempt to shed the pounds. I lost a fair amount of weight this way, and I will never forget shopping at the gap and finally fitting into a size 10. What victory!

After that first taste of dieting obsession, I never stopped counting calories. During my 20s my weight fluctuated more than a bipolar person's mood. If I were to chart my weight during this time, I'm quite certain the graph would resemble a sinusoid. And the low amplitude portions of the sinusoid would occur after each break-up. But one thing that never fluctuated was my ability to list every calorie I'd consumed on a given day.

As fun as that perma-diet was, counting every calorie you consume is an exhausting practice to say the least. So I've stopped counting, and I really have no clue anymore whether I've had 2000 calories or 4000 calories each day. Perhaps it's because I'm now using all of my "calorie counting" neurons to keep track of what I feed my son. Or perhaps it's because I've realized that there are more important things in this life than obsessing over how thin I am. I think it's a combination of the two.

This is not to say that I've thrown in the towel and plan to spend my evenings cuddling up with a box of oreos (or watching the final episode of the bachelor while inhaling a box of girl scout cookies...you know, just a random example). I still try to eat healthy and I exercise when I can. But now when I exercise, I do it to strengthen my heart rather than tone my ass. I do it to keep myself healthy and energized so I am not out of breath when I play with my kid. And I do it to get a few sacred hours to myself. When I look in the mirror at the yoga studio, I no longer fixate on every imperfection and lump. I have grown to appreciate the unique landscape of my figure, knowing that the hills and valleys brought life into this world.