Why I will never be one of those jogging stroller moms...

Yet another profound revelation. I will never be a jogging stroller mom (henceforth referred to as JSM, because my fingers are lazy, at least when it comes to some activities..insert innuendo here).

Before I had my own chid, I would shuffle around Greenlake and stare with admiration as the JSMs passed me by with their limber size -2 postpartum bodies, their children sitting like perfect dolls in the safe confines of a pricey stroller Hummer. I sort of hated them, mostly because I knew they probably lived in some adorable 5 bedroom craftsman bungalow in a prestigious Seattle neighborhood which I would never be able to afford. Have I mentioned that envy is one of my biggest defects of character? But I also sort of loved them, because their toned bodies meant that if I had a baby, I would not be forced to become a chubby, frumpy mom with a cheap haircut and pleated stone-washed jeans. They offered proof that I could be a mom AND a fitness goddess, both goals that I hoped to achieve before age 45!

I've achieved one of those goals (I'll let you guess which one) and today, I took that fussy little goal on our first jogging stroller adventure. During that 20 minutes of sheer unadulterated non-bliss, I realized a few things. And thus commences yet another blog entry list:

1) Although I am utterly and completely in love with my child, why would I bring the fussy creature WITH me when I exercise, when I can use exercise as a way to get a few precious hours to myself???

2) I don't care how well designed a jogging stroller is or how many gadgets it includes. Pushing a large object wile running is simply NOT A NATURAL HUMAN ACTIVITY! I can't tell you how many times I nearly a) ran into the stroller when it slowed down, b) ran into the people walking by me and smiling at my screaming child, or c) pushed the stroller INTO the lake I was running next to.

3) I had to stop about 40 times due to Elliot's fun new game, called "throw my binky from the stroller, say 'uh oh' in my little imp voice, whine at mommy until she returns said binky despite her assertive proclamations of "ALL DONE BINKY", suck on binky for roughly .006 seconds once I've worn my annoyed mommy down, and then commence the game again".

After Elliot's binky mysteriously propelled itself 20 feet in the air for the umpteenth time, a JSM prototype passed me by. Her perfectly colored hair bounced cheerfully as her slender legs carried her and her non-binky-catapulting child forward. Then she did something utterly unexpected. She SMILED at me! I think she thought "yay! Another JSM, she and I could be BFF!". Little did she know I was mentally exploring my entire lexicon of curse words. But I smiled back at her in a friendly JSM club greeting, secretly thinking "you seem nice lady, but this club SUCKS".

And yet again I've realized that the things that I envy are not always what they seem. So I'm starting my own club called "mildly fit moms who go to yoga and Zumba as often as they can so their wonderful husbands have to put their fussy child to bed".

Why shave this summer, when you can wear THIS???

That's right ladies. Put away those razers, trimmers, waxers, and other doodads that I have never figured out how to use. This fashion gurista is here to tell you that full-coverage swimwear is in your future! I have yet to find any full-coverage swimwear that isn't considered an antique item from the 1920s, but that is neither here nor there.

Seriously though, each year as summer approaches, I live in dread of my annual bloody battles with the dreaded bikini line. My husband will be the first to tell you (in a very mournful tone) that the razor and I are NOT BFF. In fact, we're not even FF. We're more like EF (enemies forever??? DUH!). And this is because the razor hurts my skin, my confidence, and my mood.

So why not wax, you may ask? I've done it before. Twice in fact, and both times in lovely serene spa settings. The first time was a month before I gave birth (mainly b/c all the mom blogs told me to do it, and I somehow thought I would end up with a C-section if I didn't wax and get a pedi before entering the hospital). The second time was a week before we went to Hawaii last fall. I would love to go to wax spa new age music therapy on a monthly basis, but who can afford THAT?

This may lead you to ask the next logical question, "why not go to a cheap Asian spa for a cheap Asian wax job?". Um, no thank you. I love the women who work in such places, and I have nothing against people of Asian heritage. However, the Asian spa ladies are not known for gentle touches OR tact. If I wanted to be insulted and plucked violently, I would hang out with my $2 razor, thank you very much.

And so in my attempt to maintain my dignity and avoid razor burn in awkward places this summer, I've just purchased a wonderful little invention called "board shorts". They are...wait for it....shorts that you wear while swimming!!!! Who knew? Granted they are designed for athletic surfer chics...which I am clearly not one of. But I'm willing to walk around with a fake surfboard if that's what it takes to gain the right to wear shorts to the pool. Either that, or I'll travel in time to the 1920s, when swimwear was more dignified.